Work in Progress

Here are the possibilities in your youth. One is that you go after your dreams and you should be happy even if you fail at achieving your dreams because you follow your passion. If you play it safe and not go after your dreams as you feel that you have to be realistic and pragmatic, you might be comfortable in life, you may not be happy with the choices you have made. The other possibility is you work hard at acquiring or perfecting some skill before turning it into a passion. It is obviously a skill that you think you can potentially get very good at. But will the skill be one that can sell and earn you a comfortable living?

Hard work matters. It is trite that one must strive in order to thrive. The harder you work, the luckier you get is not just a cliché. I remember as a seven year old, when I finally figured out some phonetics in Malay language that I had been struggling with, I was so jubilant that I started calling out my mother to tell her  “I’ve  got it ” as soon as  I reached my house door. My interest in the Malay language did not  last. So what makes one persevere in one subject or a hobby but not another?  When come to choosing a career path or a job, some people  may not have a particular interest and they are in a scenario where they find that they have no passion for their work and they merely do it for a living. On the other hand, some may want to pursue their passion but find that it is not practical or feasible to make a career around that passion, so they will have to be contented with pursuing it as a hobby.

Imagine if you could go back to the past  looking at your future which is  now, what would you be thinking? As the famous quote says Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Soren Kierkegaard  

But  how do you lead your life forward so you do not live in regrets? A friend highly recommended  a  book entitled What I Wish I knew When I was 20 written by Dr. Tina Seelig. It is one of those books that I feel like running out and get a couple of copies for my friends who have grown up children like me .

Dr. Tina Seelig in her book writes: “ The process of finding the gold mine where your skills, interests, and the market collide can take some time.”

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” is a favourite topic for school essays. For me that was  a  lifetime ago. Seelig has met many students who literally show her a detailed map of what they plan to do for the next fifty years. Seelig writes, ' Not only is this unrealistic, but it's sadly limiting. There are so many unexpected experiences ahead that it's best to keep your eyes open instead of blinding yourself to the serendipitous options that might present themselves.'

I am  often amazed  and  wonder how some people can plan so well as I cannot even plan for the next five months. For me the future is an unknown. When I was in my youth, I had trouble visualizing because I was an indecisive person. I was rather clueless about what I really wanted to do from the moment I graduated from the university. As I was circumspect about exploring the alternatives , I returned to my hometown and settled down. Decades later, I realized that  I had been too much of an existentialist that  time has literally slipped through and I am still trying to make sense of my life. 

I totally agree with  Seelig that  “Passion is a big driver. It makes each of us want to work hard to perfect our skills and to excel.” In Chapter 6 of her book , the author illustrates  at length why we should not discard the unexpected findings and be afraid to get into uncharted territory as the anomalies tend to lead us to new breakthroughs and remarkable discoveries. Seelig quotes the statement by Randy Komisar who ‘claims that his career makes much more sense when viewed through the rearview mirror than through the windshield.’ as the statement is true for most of us.  I certainly feel comforted by the statements ‘ When you look back on your career path the story makes perfect sense. The road ahead, however, is always fuzzy and full of  boundless uncertainty. It is easy to get frustrated by the lack of visibility ahead.’ However the author also quotes Randy’s suggestion as to how to increase the odds that great opportunities will come your way. It makes sense when she states that ‘you should work in organizations that grant you access to a stream of interesting opportunities.’ She also suggests that it is important to reassess your life and career  relatively frequently and sometimes it’s time to move on to a new environment in order to excel.  It is important to identify the intersection between your skills, your passions, and the market by constantly reassessing where you are and where you want to go and experimenting with alternatives in order to find the right roles so that you can tap into your passions and potentials in a constructive way. She writes, “ Don’t worry that the path ahead appears out of focus- squinting isn’t going to make it any clearer. This is true for everyone. Don’t be in a rush to get to your final destination – the side trips and unexpected detour quite often lead to the most interesting people , places and opportunities.  And , finally , be wary of all career advice, including mine,  as you figure out what’s right for you .’

What I Wish I knew When I was 20 is definitely a must-read book. Chapter 5 “ The Secret Sauce of Silicon Valley” drives home the message that quitting can be empowering and not a sign of weakness so learning when to call it quits is crucial and also it is important to quit gracefully. I particularly enjoy reading the anecdote in  Chapter 7‘Turn Lemonade into Helicopters’ about how she had offered to show someone new in the neighbourhood  the recipe to make frozen, canned lemonade and in turn she and her colleagues were treated to a spectacular surprise  ride in the person’s private helicopter above the city, up to the surrounding mountains, and over his family’s ski resort.

There are no short cuts in courting luck your way. We are told to be innovative, experimental, tune in and pay attention to our environment so we can  find fascinating things around every turn. The recipe for success is not limited to hard work and dedication, being fearless, accumulating experiences  and  keeping an open mind  are amongst  the ingredients for opening doors for yourself.

There are plenty of wisdom in the book What I Wish I Knew When I was 20.  Seelig is  generous in sharing her personal experiences and anecdotes besides  telling us about real people’s fascinating success stories and  how they recover from failures, overcome barriers and adversities and that most problems are remarkable opportunities in disguise.  I absolutely agree with Seeling that how we view the world around us very much depends on our emotional state.  I tend to go for hair cuts when I feel edgy and down and I often tell my hairstylist “ It's not the hair it's just me.” Simple food tastes heavenly and hideous accessories  look  gorgeous when you are happy.

No path is preordained, and Seelig imparts with what her father has told her.

'Reflecting on his life, my father determined that his most important insight is that you shouldn’t take yourself too seriously nor judge others too harshly.  Her dad wishes that he had been more tolerant of mistakes he made and those made by others, and that he could have seen that failure is a normal part of the learning process.'

 I am comforted by the passage:

“ Uncertainty is the essence of life, and it fuels opportunity. To be honest , there are still days when I ‘m not sure which road to take and am overwhelmed by the choices unfolding in front of me . But I now know that uncertainty is the fire that sparks innovation and the engine that drives us forward.”

In essence, we are encouraged to challenge assumptions, constantly  reassess ourselves and be prepared to get out of our comfort zones, re-adjust  and be confident. Very positive insights and forward thinking  indeed.

San Sebastian

As I write the post, I googled and read about Randy Komisar, the venture capitalist’s response to the following questions on Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers  KPCB’s website click 

Make a call to 20-year-old Randy Komisar, what kind of advice would you give to him?

'“Trust yourself. You don’t have to become someone else to succeed in life.”

Define your own success and don’t surrender to the expectations of others. Don’t worry about what you can’t change and don’t concern yourself with the ultimate questions of  life’s challenges, focus instead on the here and now. Know yourself in order to know others. And don’t be fooled by money. It can empower greatness if you are truly great, but it comes at a steep cost and can be a burden that keeps you from living a meaningful life. In the end, it’s the relationships with others and your help for those who need it that will define your happiness. Trust in goodness.'

If you can leave one  message to make the world better, what would be your message?

Be kinder. Move beyond yourself and deeply empathize with others. We are all in this life together and no one will get out alive. While our generation is obsessed with how we can make and consume more, twenty-five hundred years ago the world’s best thinkers on every continent wrestled with a much more powerful question,“how should we live our lives?” I think it starts with losing your ego and being kinder to each other in the process. ‘  

Spot on.

Opulence

Shanghai is one of my favourite cities in the world.I was in Shanghai for a few days during mid-October 2010. On the third day, instead of accompanying my mother-in-law to the Shanghai Expo together with my husband followed by a dinner with his cousin and his wife to be, I bought myself a ticket to watch the semi-final match between  Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic at  Shanghai Masters that was held at Qizhong Stadium. I was absolutely gleeful as I arrived at the stadium  early in the  evening. The match was spectacular and  I was  on an adrenalin high until it was time to leave the stadium when the match ended. As I exited from the stadium and got on to the roadside, it  dawned upon me that everyone seemed to be picked up by pre-booked taxis and cars. A couple of  gentlemen who were in office attire were kind enough to offer me a ride to somewhere in the city where I could catch a cab to Donghu Road where the hotel was. Just as I was agonizing whether to take up the offer, a rather  old and beaten white taxi pulled up and I managed to flag it down. I thanked the two gentlemen in a haste and  got into the cab. The taxi  driver drove like he had to hurry somewhere and I first heard him mutter something when he hit  the lane  that somehow led to a closed road due to road work. He then u-turned and got onto another road and subsequently hit the highway where we came across a long line of traffic. Just as I thought I was going to be stranded in the car for a long slow drive, he overtook cars and somehow took a separate lane  and  ignored the traffic police who was directing the traffic flow.“沒事 沒事“ Mei shi mei shi he kept assuring me that it was nothing to worry about and  it was okay to drive in defiance of the traffic police’s instructions. He zigzagged through the heavy traffic as I  sat tight with my seat belt fastened ( I think the seat belt was working, can’t quite remember)  The next thing I knew we arrived at the hotel entrance. My husband was  surprised that I had got back in such a short time as from what his cousin had told him, the journey would take more than double the time I had taken to get back to Donghu Garden Hotel in the city from the stadium.

I recently read  China Rich Girlfriend by Kevin Kwan and it is one of those stories that is a perfect fit for a soap opera. It is a sequel to Crazy Rich Asians by the same author. The  respective titles  and bright glossy book covers are representation of the plots and characters you will be expecting in both novels. By the time you reach the end of the book, the behaviour and lifestyle of these super rich Chinese do not  entice you but revolt you. There are not many likeable characters in the book. The protagonist, Rachel Chu is grounded and likeable. Rachel's mother had to flee from her abusive husband and consequently  left China, her home country with Rachel  and  single handedly brought her up in the U.S.  Rachel  is a professor of Economics and she happens to be courted by the most eligible bachelor in Asia, Nicholas Young, a Singaporean law graduate from Oxford who decided to teach History at the university in California . Here is one excerpt on their experience when they were in Shanghai.

“Sorry , I just need to get around those trucks. Don’t worry -I’m a very safe driver.”

   

    Nick and Rachel exchanged dubious looks, knowing Carlton’s recent history. Rachel checked that her seat belt was securely fastened and tried not to look at the zigzagging cars in front of them.

“ Everyone on the highway seems totally schizo - they’re changing lanes constantly,” Nick quipped.

“Listen, if you try to drive in an orderly fashion here and stay in your lane all the time, you’ll get killed,”Calton said, accelerating again to overtake a truck full fo pigs.” The rational rules of driving do not apply in this country. I learned to drive in the UK, and when I came back to Shanghai the first time after getting my license, I got pulled over on my first day driving. The policie officer screamed at me ‘You bloody fool! Why did you stop at that red light?”

“Oh yeah, Rachel and I have almost gotten killed trying to cross the road several times. Traffic signals mean nothing to Shanghai drivers,” Nick said.

“ They are merely suggestions,”Calton agreed, suddenly slamming on the brakes and veering sharp to the right, narrowly avoiding a van in the far left lane.

“ SWEET JESUS! WAS THAT VAN ACTUALLY BACKING UP IN THE FAST LANE?” Rachel screamed.

“Welcome to China,”Calton said nonchalantly.

Shanghai 2011

The other likeable female character  is Astrid Leong who is hailed as the Singapore's It Girl and her wardrobe sounds like a dream wardrobe for those with discerning taste. Astrid is married to Michael who  is a newly minted tech billionaire. There is a ring of truth about such a union as Astrid will soon discover the dark side of her husband who certainly suffers from some complexes  due to their disparate backgrounds. Things become complicated when Astrid's ex boyfriend continues to be supportive of Astrid and his actions seem selfless until he declares his undying love for her. Meanwhile Michael becomes so  overly consumed with his desire to expand his successful tech company  that he becomes vindictive and conceited.

When Astrid had to be in Venice due to her job, she found out that her son had been locked in the closet for four hours after he had accidentally made a small scratch on the door of his dad's vintage Porsche 550 Spyder and then a couple of days before when the boy used a Chinese swear term that he picked up from the kindergarten he was attending, he was sent to bed without any supper by his dad. When Astrid  placed a call to Michael and told him that he was being harsh , Michael explained this is the time for him to learn some discipline. As Astrid tried to reason with Michael , he said,

" You know what the real problem is , Astrid? The problem is that you've never had to worry about money a single day in your life. You don't realise how hard it is to make money - you blow your nose and money comes out ! You've never understood the fear that normal people have. Well, I was motivated by that fear. And I build my own fortune out of it. I want to install in my son that same fear. He is going to inherit a great deal of money one day, and he needs to know that he has to earn it. He has to have boundaries. Otherwise - he is just going to end up like your brother Henry, or anyone of your pompous, entitled cousins who haven't worked a day in their lives but feel like they own the world."

The story is about  opulence, snobbery, the ultimate consumerism and how money can become an obsession and completely mutilate one's behaviour. 

Here is another excerpt from China Rich Girlfriend written in the voice of Rachel who writes in her diary the  remark she heard from Mrs Bing as they shopped around Paris.

I’ve never understood the fascination with Hermès, but I had to admit the store was pretty cool –it’s set in the Hotel Lutetia’s former indoor pool, with all the merchandise scattered around different levels of the vast atrium. Perrineum was indignant that the sotre wouldn’t close to the public for her and decided to boycott the place.She then proceeded to walk around making disparaging remarks about the other Asian shoppers. “Don’t you feel self- conscious trying to shop around these people ? “ she said to me . “ Do you have something against rich Asians?” I joked. “ These people aren’t rich - they’re just Henrys!” Perrineum scoffed.  “What are Henrys?” She gave me a withering look. “You’re an economist-don’t you know what HENRY stands for?” I racked my brains, but I still didn’t have a clue. Perrineum finally spat it out” “ High Earners, Not Rich Yet.”

Are you a HENRY? 

Peace Hotel Shanghai, 2007

Unplugged

Guggenheim Museum, Bilbao

A lot of things do not make sense. Technology should help us to free our time for doing stuff that interest us but somehow it is not necessarily so. Due to computerization and electronic data system, as  consumers and end users , we are compelled  to spend  our precious time going through some processes on our own.  Automated services  are in essence a form of self service that takes up all your time at your own cost. For instance, if you want to find out about certain status of your bank account, when you dial the toll-free number, you have to patiently press your account number and enter your personal particulars including pin code and your personal ID and by the time you press all the buttons and follow through the menu, you finally get to speak to a customer service officer who will ask you again all the  questions that only you are able to answer to verify that you are actually the account holder. As you do not wish to go through the recording message, you grit your teeth  and let the officer quiz you in the name of security and protecting your account. Then finally you get to ask the questions before you forget why you have wanted to speak to the customer  service personnel in the first place.

It is apparent that with the internet, we can perform and  execute tasks electronically and access  to information  24/7 thus it means that we can do things on our own timeline and wherever we are so long as there is network. We make virtual acquaintances and stay connected with friends and associates in cyberspace. Life is kept very busy by reason of  technology and if we are not careful, technology will dictate our lives  instead of  us having a control over technology.  Throughout our growing years, we are all programmed one way or other and as we become reliant on androids and computers,  we think and  function differently to keep up with technology and  social media.

I read disparately and the internet offers infinite choices of subjects. There are articles ranging from the right way to chop an onion to the telling signs of Alzheimer and if you get stuck reading these symptoms, you spend another one hour fretting over every bit of absent mindedness you have exhibited in the past weeks. I feel that the reason we become forgetful is that we are trying to compartmentalize our minds and our time in order to fit in all the things we do in cyberspace and also in the physical world.

In her book 'Why Grow Up' ,  Susan Neiman writes that she spends hours most days in cyberspace and is grateful for many of its resources but she suggests that we limit our time  ‘in cyberspace and experience action more palpable than making a cursor click’ . 
 In her book

Neiman  writes ,

‘Even a week off the web can work wonders for your imagination, and your sense of being in the world.’ 

Perhaps people do not like to second guess things. They want to be spoon fed and told what to do as it is easier that way. They like things straightforward. With the internet, we can easily google for information, instructions and directions without having to figure things out ourselves. Didn’t  I read somewhere that humans only use a fraction  of their mental power ?If we are  freeing our mental space , for what purpose are we  freeing our mental space ? Only in unplugging ourselves from time to time, we will leave  our minds less cluttered, our thoughts more focused. 

 To rise again at a decent hour written by Joshua Ferris is a very hilarious story. It is  about Paul D’Rourke, a 36 year-old dentist who despite having a thriving dental practice does not seem to fit into the modern age and a reluctant New Yorker, a curmudgeon, an atheist and a Red Sox fan. For someone who has no facebook account, one day, Paul O’Rouke discovers that an ex patient of his has impersonated him, created his profile and  is tweeting in his name and write about religion and talk about the Jews.The impersonator has also created an email account in his name. He is told by a strange religious group that he belongs to a growing sect and that he is an Ulm. The protagonist narrates, " No invention in the world, not the printing press or the telegraph, not the post office or the telephone, had done more to get people communicating than the Internet. But how did one person, the inaudible and insignificant single human voice, communicate with the Internet itself? To whom did it appeal an error? How did it seek redress? "

Here is a snippet from the novel. 

‘ I wanted nothing more than to say good morning first thing in the morning. Saying good morning was good for morale, converying to everyone in their turn, Isn’t it something? Here we are again, wits renewed , armpits refreshed, what exciting surprised does the day hold in store? But some mornings I couldn’t bring myself to do it . We were a cozy office of four; three good mornings, that’s all that was ever asked of me. And yet I ‘d withhold my good mornings. Ignoring the poignancy of everyone’s limited allotment of good mornings, I would not say good morning. Or I would in all innocence forget about our numbered opportunities to say good morning, that horrifying circumscription, and simply fail to say it. Or I would say good morning sparingly, begrudgingly, injudiciously, or tyrannically, I would say good morning to Abby and Betsy but not to Connie. Or to Betsy but not Abby or Connie. Or to Abby in front of Betsy , and to Betsy in front of Connie, but not to Connie. What was so good about it anyway, the too-often predictable, so- called new morning? It was usually precede by a long struggle for a short drowse that so many people call night. That was never sufficiently ceremonial to call for fresh greetings. So instead I’d say to them, “ Where’s the day’s schedule? “ If I said, “ Where’s the day’s schedule? “ I was saying that to Connie, who worked the desk.’

After reading Ferris’ third novel, I decided to read his second novel “ Unnamed” particularly after finding out that the protagonist is a successful lawyer who is on top of his game until he is hit by some mysterious illness. He walks aimlessly when the unknown illness hits him. A very depressing story that started off very promising but I ended up skimming through just to get to the end of the story. I  remember having read the author’s  first novel “ Then it came to an End” and had liked it . To rise again at a decent hour is quirky and  its dark humour makes me want to catch a Woody Allen film.

Montjuic Magic Fountain, Barcelona

Becoming adult

Basilica De La Sagrada Familia , Barcelona

The central focus of parenting seems to be preparing children for conventional success . Since young age, every nurturing act is aimed at ushering a child to a life of accomplishments that is believed to be the key to a good life. Many of us have fallen prey to the system where certain conceptions about measure of conventional successes have been in place.  As parents, we cannot leave our children to their own devices for we are afraid that they may go astray or become idle so we guide them zealously with what we know but they really must figure things out themselves. It is necessary that we must encourage them to trust their own judgments and  grow up as individuals in a less than ideal world.

Becoming adult is indeed a daunting task. As a parent, I tell my children they can do what they want  if they have the resolve and convictions to follow through what is on their wish list. Often in chasing what we feel will make us happy and fulfilled, we lose sight of engaging ourselves in moments that actually matter . Growing up does not mean renouncing your hopes and dreams, growing up means trying to make sense of the world, living with uncertainties and making the best of what you have and what you can do.

Growing up needs courage because it means being responsible for yourself, learning to trust your own judgment,  taking responsibility for your actions and omissions.We must make sensible choices that work for us by knowing our strengths and weaknesses but how do we know by thinking rationally and acting sensibly , we are not limiting ourselves? Growing up means finding a place in the world and not losing yourself  despite experiencing unfair treatments and acknowledging the presence of injustice around the world.  

In her book Why Grow Up, Susan Neiman writes @page 73

‘You have probably forgotten the details of your first unfairness, presumably because it happened very early, and was followed by many more. Still Barrie is probably right to say no one ever gets over it, and the reason Peter Pan remains an eternal child is that each succeeding unfairness is a surprise. None is ever internalized, so his trust in the world remains unscathed.

Not so for the rest of us; Peter Pan is a fairy tale. Even babies, as we’ll see, sense and suffer from a world that doesn’t fit. It’s the beginning of alienation , but also of indignation that, if properly guided, will be needed to make a life active. What guidance is proper? We want our children to see as little suffering as possible, and we know that even Buddha’s royal father couldn’t shield him. Most of us have considerably fewer resources than he did.  When my own son was eleven or twelve he came home from school complaining that a teacher had treated him unfairly, and hearing the details I thought he was right. Here’s what I told him : This won’t be the last time that someone in power treats you unfairly. They may be threatened or jealous or simply tired, they may prefer the kid or the employee who flatters or falls. Besides reading and writing and arithmetic, one of the things you need to learn in school is how to live with that – without losing yourself.  Was the balance right? After too many encounters with unfairness I could not share his outrage. We want our children to remain awake to injustice; we just don’t want them to be undone by it. I was rather pleased with my little speech; it was certainly better than anything I’d heard as a child, when my own parents’ refusal to acknowledge that a teacher might be anything less than benign left me not only alone with my indignation but deeply confused: weren’t they just saying  the is is the ought ? But the problem is one of proportion.’

Only butter butters (Restaurant  Story , London)

Growing up means having to interact and deal with people who are different from us. Growing up means knowing how to manage one’s expectations and emotions. Growing up means being tolerant of others and embracing all our differences and failings. Ideally, growing up leads to better judgments. Growing up is simply about thinking for ourselves. But it does not mean you have to give up  striving for what you think is the ideal world.

Susan Neiman also writes, 

‘Growing up is a process of sifting through your parents’ choices about everything: the music you couldn’t help hearing because it was playing on a stereo you couldn’t reach, the religion you couldn’t help believing because you were taken to sermons, or holidays in a car you couldn’t drive, the neighbourhood they set up home in, or move to when they changed jobs, and a host of general values you will not even recognize as values until you are old enough to get out in the world and encounter other ones. Sometimes when you’re sifting, with any luck at all, you’ll be able to say and thank your parents for it one way or another, if only by living in a way that proves them right. On the other hand, if you don’t reject any of their choices you are not grown-up-if only because their choices were made in a time that isn’t this one, and not all of them fit into the world you now inhabit.’

Why Grow Up does not tell you how but why it is necessary to grow up for coming of age itself is an ideal one should strive for. Susan Neiman shares her thoughts about aging and the need to build a new model of maturity in the 21^st century from reading disparately and widely and  in her book , she discusses works by philosophers namely  Immanuel Kant, Jean- Jacques Rousseau and Simone de Beauvoir.

In conclusion, grownups are not boring and being grown-up is itself an ideal.

Monmouth Cafe, London

The Winner Takes it All

When we are young, our parents tell us what the world is and that we have to accept the world as it is. When we grow up we have to face the fact that we will never get the world we want and our outlook will change. While I do not want to get cynical nor be naively idealistic, I try to adopt an open mind and attempt to see things from various angles as I believe that there are many sides to every story. Not all black is black nor white is white.

Free will is an illusion as we live in an informed world with both unsolicited and solicited information. We  live with what we have been told since infancy days. Those who manage to lead  tell the other people what they actually want. In order to progress you cannot assume that you have things all figured out as that might stifle your growth. I can never be certain of my perceptions of things nor think that I  know all about the workings of the world. All I know is one must be able to break free from  social expectations and all those rules that have been implemented by people who think they can make you think the way they want you to think. You do not necessarily know  the stuff of thought others carry in their heads and their intentions and they may not think like you. What matters is you must know the thoughts you carry in your own head and where your sentiments lie. 

We grow up and live in a world that is full of prejudices and bigotry.  I so want to  avoid acting  unjust and  be more tolerant than most people around me and  I often find myself failing in such attempts. In Go Set a Watchman, Harper Lee writes, " Every man's island, Jean Louise, everyman's watchman, is his conscience. There is no such thing as a collective conscience." 

When I first read about Harper Lee’s new book and all the write up about how the character, Atticus Finch had become a different man in his old age, my first response was : “ I do not want to spoil the image of the heroic character from Mockingbird and I probably should not read Go Set a Watchman” . A couple of days  after  Watchman was launched,  I  rationalized that Atticus Finch was after all a fictitious character and  I could not possibly idolize a fictitious character. I have always been one who finds inspirations from reading fictions and I learn things from watching movies and reading fictions. Fiction writers  tell us who we are as human beings.

La Sagrada Família, Barcelona

The novel Go Set a Watchman has courted much controversy.  While I am certainly not in the position to comment about its writing, I find that the writing could do with some editing as it feels raw unlike Mockingbird that was extremely well crafted. Mockingbird moved me to tears when I read it while Watchman made me ponder. I read from the news articles that  the original manuscript now published as Watchman was first  written in the mid-1950s. The editor then persuaded Harper Lee to rewrite the story from the voice of young Jean Louise aka Scout hence To Kill a Mockingbird, the Pulitzer prize winner and the lawyer character, Atticus Finch that we came to love by reason of  the ideals he represents, integrity, kindness, a loving father and a fearless lawyer who believes in justice and fairness for all men.  In Watchman, Jean Louise Finch is now 26 years old and practises law in New York city. When she makes her annual visit to her hometown in Maycomb, she has an  awakening as she comes to know about her dad’s racist stand at a time of early civil unrest. She feels cheated and becomes hysterical when she realizes that her dad is not what he has stood for in her life. It is all a little confusing at times but as her uncle explains to Scout ,

‘Dr Finch stretched out his legs. “It’s rather complicated,” he said, “and I don’t want you to fall into the tiresome error of being conceited about your complexes-you’d bore us for the rest of our lives with that, so we’ll keep away from it. Every man’s island, Jean Louise, every man’s watchman, is his conscience. There is no such thing as a collective conscious.”

   This was news, coming from him. But let him talk, he would find his way to the nineteenth century somehow.

   “ ….now you, Miss, born with your own conscience, somewhere along the line fastened it like a barnacle onto your father’s. As you grew up, when you were grown, totally unknown to yourself, you confused your father with God. You never saw him as a man with a man’s heart, and a man’s failings – I’ll grant you it may have been hard to see, he makes so few mistakes, but he makes ‘em like all of us. You were an emotional cripple, leaning on him, getting the answers from him, assuming that your answers would always be his answers.”

      She listened to the figure on the sofa.

    “ When you happened along and saw him doing something that seemed to you to be the antithesis of his conscience – your conscience –you literally could not stand it. It made you physically ill. Life became hell on earth for you. You had  to kill yourself, or he had to kill you to get you functioning as a separate entity.”’

La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona

Dr Finch calls his niece a bigot.

‘Dr Finch bit his under lip and let it go. “ Um hum. A bigot. Not a big one, just an ordinary turnip-sized bigot.”

 Jean Louise rose and went to the bookshelves. She pulled down a dictionary and leafed through it. “ Bigot,” she read. “ Noun. One obstinately or intolerably devoted to his own church, party , belief ,  or opinion.”  Explain yourself, sir.”

‘ I was just tryin’ to answer your running question. Let me elaborate a little on that definition. What does a bigot do when he meets someone who challenges his opinions? He doesn’t give. He stays rigid. Doesn’t even try to listen, just lashes out. Now you, you were turned inside out by the granddaddy of all father things, so you ran. And how you ran.

    You’ve no doubt heard some pretty offensive talk since you’ve been home, but instead of getting on your charger and blindly striking it down, you turned and ran. You said, in effect, ‘ I don’t like the way these people do, so I have no time for them.’ You’d better take time for ‘em, honey, otherwise you’ll never grow. You ‘ll be the same at sixty as you are now – then you’ll be a case and not my niece. You have a tendency not to give anybody elbow room in your mind for their ideas, no matter how silly you think they are.’

In the book, Harper Lee describes Scout’s uncle:

‘Dr  John Hale Finch was no taller than his niece, who was five seven. His father had given him a high-bridged nose, a stern nether lip, and high cheekbones. He looked like his sister Alexander, but their physical resemblance ended at the neck : Dr Finch was spare, almost spidery; his sister was of firmer proportions. He was the reason Atticus did not marry until he was forty – when the time came for John Hale Finch to chose a profession, he chose medicine. ‘

‘Dr Finch became a bone man, practiced in Nashville,played the stock market with shrewdness, and by the time he was forty-five he had accumulated enough money to retire and devote all his time to his first and aiding love, Victorian literature, a pursuit that in itself earned him the reputation of being Maycomb County’s most leaned licensed eccentric.’

Word on the Water, London

Scout’s  uncle was  the other aging man ‘who saw her through her loneliest and most difficult hours, through the malignant limbo of turning from a howling tomboy  into a young woman.’  I can imagine that the eccentricity of the uncle can make him seem like a borderline case.  There is something else the uncle says that resonates with me .

“ Remember this also : it’s always easy to look back and see what we were, yesterday, ten years ago. It is hard to see what we are. If you can master that trick , you’ll get along.”

Though her perceptions of what her dad stands for have crushed drastically, Dr Finch shows Jean Louis that she has to figure out her own conscience and also the fact that despite all the terrible things she has said to her dad including calling him a 'double dealing, ring-tailed old son of a bitch', the love of her father remains unchanged. Nothing is absolute.  Humanity is complicated. Maybe that is what  Harper Lee is telling us. To me both To Kill a Mockingbird and Go Set a Watchman are  about  growing up and coming of age. There is an excellent article by Randall Kennedy under Sunday Book Review in New York Times that says  '"Go Set a Watchman" demands that its readers abandon the immature sentimentality ingrained by middle school and the film adaptation of "To Kill a Mockingbird"'.http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/14/books/review/harper-lees-go-set-a-watchman.html?emc=edit_bk_20150731&nl=books&nlid=54605499&_r=0  

Go Set a Watchman is definitely more ambitious and the constant presence of  ambivalence is real and not only in fictions. As I write this, Abba’s song ‘The winner takes it all’ is ringing in my head and next to me is the new book “Why Grow Up” written by Susan  Neiman. Go Set a Watchman is the winner of the 2015 Goodreads Choice Awards  for fiction.

Time in a Bottle

Since I need to be fully functioning at every hour of the day to accomplish all that reading, writing , learning and work that has to be attended to, I reckon it is such a waste of time and energy to get wound up over things. How debilitating it will be if I allow such feelings of disenchantment to affect my being. I therefore resolve to live in the present and endeavour to be mindful of my thoughts.

In order to keep ourselves happy, we have to free ourselves from thinking unhappy thoughts. We have to free ourselves from the damage caused by the incidents that happened in the past, sometimes there are childhood traumas that need to be revisited to understand our fears, our worries and our dilemmas. Like Rosemary Cooke in the fiction We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves written  by Karen Joy Fowler, we cannot go forward without going back to the times when certain happenings or memory of these incidents had caused a mark in our lives.

In the fiction written by Fowler , Fern had arrived when Rosemary  was just over one month old and Fern was just shy of three months. Rosemary felt her loss in a powerful way when Fern was sent away. This is how Rosemary’s mother described her and Fern:

‘MOM SAID:

         When Fern woke up, she woke up. Spun like a pinwheel. Burst like a sunburst. Swung through our house like a miniature Colossus. You remember how Dad used to call her our Mighty Whirlitzer? All the noise and color and excitement of Mardi Gras, and right in our very own home.

       When you got just a little older, you and she were quite the team. She’d open the cupboards and you’d pull out every pot, every pan. She could work the childproof locks in a heartbeat, but she didn’t have your stick-to-itiveness. Remember how obsessed she was with shoelaces? We were tripping over our feet because Fern had untied our shoelaces without us noticing.

     She’d climb up in the closets and pull the coats from the hangers, drop them down to you below. Fetch coins from my purse for you to suck on. Open the drawers and hand you the pins and the needles , the scissors and the knives.’

As the daughter of a psychology professor at Indiana University, Rosemary was raised with a chimpanzee as part of a scientific experiment. When Fern was sent away, both Rosemary and her brother Lowell were shattered. Lowell blamed Rosemary for Fern’s departure and he became an animal activist to the point of no return. Rosemary asked her mother if she was worried about her and what the impact might be to adopt a chimpanzee and introduced her as her twin sister.  Her mother replied,

“ Of course I did,” she said.” I worried about that all the time. But you  adored Fern. You were a happy, happy child.”

“ Was I ? I don’t remember.”

“Absolutely. I worried about what  being Fern’s sister would do to you, but I wanted it for you, too.”  The candlelight was casting shadow puppets in the kitchen. The wine was red. Mom took another sip and turned her softly sagging face away from mine. “I wanted you to have an extraordinary life,” she said.

Is the reason given by Rosemary’s mother good enough to exonerate her parents from all that damage caused by her early years growing up with a chimpanzee whose exile had subsequently caused her to carry the weight of her guilt till her adult years ? It was an interesting story about how  parents might have damaged their children even if they have the best of intentions.

When Rosemary went to college,  as part of her brand new start, she made a careful decision never ever tell anyone about her sister, Fern. She shared a room with Scully who was gregarious and outgoing. So they had all these people who came to their room and they carried on about  "the Whac-A-Mole dynamics of the homes they'd just left. Their parents were so weird!!"

‘I’d come back from class or dinner, or I ‘d wake up in the middle of the night, and there’d be a half-dozen freshmen, sitting with their backs against the walls, carrying on about the Whac-A-Mole dynamics of the homes they’d just left. Their parents were so weird! Like Scully, they’d just figured that out. Every single one of them had weird parents.

One of them had a mother who’d once grounded her a whole summer because she’d gotten a B-plus in biology. Her mother had grown up in some part of Delhi where they didn’t abide B-pluses.

One of them had a father who made the whole family stand at the refrigerator and down a glass of orange juice before going out for breakfast, because restaurant orange juice was too expensive to order, but you could hardly call it breakfast without.’

So it appeared to Rosemary that every single one of Scully's friends had weird parents.

I was first drawn to the title of the book We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves  so when  my daughter’s package that she had shipped home finally arrived, I was glad to get my hand on her copy of the novel. The fiction is smartly told about sibling love and rivalry and what constitutes a family. This is the first book by Karen Joy Fowler that I have ever read  and  I will be seeking out her earlier fictions when I next hit the bookstore.