Parenthood

We do not necessarily know the stuff of thought others carry in their heads no matter how close or chummy we are with them unless they talk to us. When two people get married, becoming parents and raising children seem to be the natural order of things. When the child is born, often both parents if not one  parent has this all consuming obsessive love for the little one that the entire relationship takes on a different dynamic where attention is shifted to the baby. What if parenthood is thrust upon a man or a woman when he or she is not quite ready for it or worse they are  just never cut out to be parents ? Maybe due to biological make up, a woman seems more ready to  valiantly take on her role as a mother coping on her own even in the absence of a man who is away due to work and various commitments.  It is commonly known that after a day’s work, some married men  unwind themselves by taking part in activities such as golfing and drinking with friends. Some of these men are probably keeping scores that  their work stress is so great that it is perfectly legitimate for them to hang out with friends to de-stress and re-create those carefree days or that they are networking and looking for opportunities  to  a better future. If they  assume  that the children will form the substratum of their marriage, they will sooner or later find out that such a notion is a misconception. They must know that their  children will grow up and they might just have  missed their chances of caring and nurturing them. 

The Best a Man Can Get written by John O’Farrell tells a story about  a man who shares a bachelor pad with three other men in their twenties in order to escape from the exhausting life of a parent to  a two year old , a baby and a  third one  is  on his way. Michael Adams is living a  double life. He  is a jingle writer for adverts so he tells his wife, Catherine that he has to pull all-nighters  when in fact he escapes to a bachelor pad where he spends his days lying in bed , playing computer and musical trivia games and occasionally  gets some work done and when he is up to it, he crosses the Thames and goes back to his real life. During the antenatal classes that he attends with his wife for their third baby, he starts airing the reality to the crowd of fathers-to-be who are new parents. He allows himself a private chuckle at all the naïve enthusiasm of the first – time parents who are all completely consumed by their child before it had even been born. He wants to say to them, ‘don’t keep coming to these parenting classes , go to the cinema together instead, go out for dinner, just do things for yourselves while you still can.’

The story is told in the protagonist’s voice.

‘They were as eager to hear about my experience as I was to recount them. No other man in the room had yet become a parent and they looked to me as the war- scarred veteran, back from battle, full of horrific tales from the front line of fatherhood.

Millennium Bridge,London

    “But the thing that really disappears overnight is your youth. Suddenly your youth is over. I tried to artificially recreate mine,” I said enigmatically, ’but it hasn’t really worked. As soon as you become responsible for someone very, very young, it suddenly makes you feel very, very old. For one thing you are exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and if you have time to still do any of the things you did as a young man, you will find yourself struggling to tackle them with the weary foreboding of an overwhelmed pensioner. By the time the children start to be less physically demanding you’ve aged ten years in he space of two or three, so it’s too late to get it back anyway. You will look in the mirror at the graying hair and sagging face nd you will think, Where the bloody hell did he come from? But you don’t just look old and feel old in your bones, you think old. Your fuss and your worry about your children, but you don’t realize or care that you’re walking down the street with odd socks and your hair sticking up. You become fretful and sensible and organized , and if you ever do anything carefree and spontaneous together it’s because two weeks ago you set aside an hour to do something carefree and spontaneous together. The day that baby comes out it’s over. Your independence, your youth. Your pride-everything that made you what you were. You have to start again from scratch.’

The protagonist laments,

‘In all the adverts that I’d arranged the music for , the families always had such fun; they always looked so comfortable with each other. Even though I worked in the industry I still hadn’t seen through the lies.’

‘ The adverts told us we could have it all , we could be great dads and still go off snowboarding and earn lots of money and pop out of the business meeting to tell our children a bedtime story on the mobile phone. But it can’t be done. Work, family and self; it’s an impossible Rubik’s Cube, You can’t be a hands-on, sensitive father and a tough ,high- earning businessman and a pillar of your local community and a handy do-it- yourself Mr Fixit and a romantic, attentive husband- something has to give . In my case, everything.’

Mike feels guilty about his deception though he tries to justify that it is for the sake of the marriage. When Catherine comes to know about  Mike's double life, he  almost loses it all. In fictions things are usually okay at the end. Nonetheless the book is a satire that  gives insights into the psyches of men and women and the demands of contemporary living. O’Farell’s observations about parenthood and his descriptions about the power play and dynamics in a couple are very real and often hilarious. It is candid and funny.

Monaco

This is your life

Wooden Escalator (St Anna tunnel)
Antwerp

Two months ago, I walked through my daughter’s campus and had a vague recollection of how it was like to be wrapping up the end of the chapter at the university. Amongst the possessions she had accumulated in three years, some she wanted to discard while the others were to be stored away or given away. I could feel a tinge of sadness about how you had grown accustomed to a certain carefree life and it was time to leave it behind. Perhaps I still feel nostalgia for my years at the university before life took over. As the mover was coming, there was no time for sentimentality, after all moving on from one stage to another is part of life and every stage has its moments.

  

Time seems to accelerate as we age and time slips by whether life is busy, exciting or mundane. Some people prefer a quiet and simple life while others enjoy an engaging life. Not everyone has a clear vision of what they want but the majority of us worry about employability. Most of us end up working for somebody else’s vision as we lack our own. Life is not like watching a movie or writing a screenplay as we cannot fix scenes or alter the script we land ourselves in. Most of our lives are not novel worthy as we act with prudence in our endeavours and lead a life our parents will approve of. We thread through safe paths for survival and self preservation. 

Monte Carlo

So long as you are reasonably comfortable with where you are, you do not think about what you really want to do with your life. Maybe you are simply contented to carry on doing whatever you are used  to doing or told to do because you have no aspirations of your own or you feel that you cannot afford to be you because you prize material security above what might otherwise interest you. While we are grounded and pragmatic, we can move along and aspire to be happy.

I feel that if you do something you love doing, there is a higher chance of happiness. If we do work that we enjoy doing, we will give our best and there is a greater chance of being good at it. Very few are destined for greatness. If you work in a creative field, we tend to think that it is hard to be the next big thing because only a handful of us are born with exceptional talent and with some luck, they become a global success. But then money, prestige and ego ought not be the objectives as fame and material success cannot be guaranteed. Whatever one does , one hopes to be in a good place.

The Interestings written by Meg Wolitzer is about six teenagers who had met  at a summer camp for the arts and all of them had some artistic interests and abilities but the kind of creativity that is rewarded at age fifteen may not be enough to propel someone through life. Five of them ended up keeping in touch for decades and they stayed good friends.

The writer wrote, “ You had only one chance for a signature in life, but most people left no impression.”

In The Interestings  Jules Jacobson, one of the participants who was an aspiring comic actress at age fifteen said this,

“ My guidance counselor came in the other day with pamphlets about careers ,” said Jules. ‘Now we have to think about becoming experts. We have to have a field.” She thought for a second. “ Do you think most people ,” she asked,” who do have a field, sort of stumbled into it ? or were they being shrewd when they decided to learn everything about butterflies or the Japanese parliament, because they knew it would make them stand out?”

Jonah whose mother was a famous folk singer said, “Most people aren’t shrewd,” Jonah said.” They don’t think that way at all.”

One of the characters, Ash managed to pursue her dream of directing in her adult years. There was one time  she had to respond to a mother in the audience who asked,

“My daughter wants to be a director too. She is applying to graduate school in directing, but I know very well that there are no jobs, and that she’s probably only going to have her dreams dashed. Shouldn’t I encourage her to do something else, to find some other field she can get into before too much time goes by?”

Ash told the mother that the child had to really, really want it and if she did really want it and if she seemed to have a talent for it, then “I think you should tell her, ‘That’s wonderful.’ Because the truth is, the world will probably whittle your daughter down. But a mother never should.”

In  Five Star Billionaire by Tash Aw, five protagonists went to Shanghai to seek the illusive dreams of  fame and fortune and they had hoped to make it in Shanghai that symbolizes the new world of money and promise of possibility. Phoebe is a factory girl who has come to Shanghai with the promise of a job  which does not exist. Gary is a country boy who turned pop star and headed for free fall when he could not cope with the celebrity status. Justin is in Shanghai to expand his family’s real estate empire only to find that he is not up to the task. Yinghui, once a left wing activist when she was young and has since reinvented herself as a successful businesswoman. Yinghui has been sought out by the shadowy Walter Chao, the author of the  self help book entitled “The Secrets of a five star billionaire”, who with his secrets and schemes has a hand in the lives of each of the characters.  The novel  is about how the characters strived for the illusive dreams of material success and fame.

This is Your Life written by John O’farrell is a satire about how people can be led on and caught up with the entire celebrity crazy phenomenon. In the story, Jimmy Conway who has never performed as a comedian has to bluff his way when he becomes a bogus celebrity by convincing a naïve journalist to do a write up about his life. Jimmy always wanted to be famous and his teenage self had even written some letters to himself to advise his adult self about how to handle fame and fortune that would come his way. When he comes across these letters in his mid-thirties, he is a bit of a disappointment to himself. The story is hilarious and comical.  

Wolitzer, Aw and O’farrell have captured the essence of modern world with a keen observation about fame and material success. One is probably not certain of one’s talents and abilities but we all hope to be in a good place and even if we do not seek gratification, we do not want to be beaten. Whatever we undertake to do, we should give it our best shot while we are at it.  Enthusiasm and determination must triumph over   apathy just as hard work will prevail over idleness. To have the luxury to pursue what we really want, we must be willing to get out of our comfort zone and not giving in to our materialistic values. You can be whatever you want to be like what the  French proverb says  : Impossible n’est pas Francaise  which literally means Impossible is not French but it actually means there is no such thing as can’t. The question is “ Are you willing to brave the odds and stick it out  even when the going gets tough?”

Nice

A Mother’s Manifesto

A cafe in Villefranche sur Mer, France 

 I am fully aware that I am not meant to live vicariously through my children and  I have set out some parenting rules as reminders.

Rule No 1 : While I cannot force my dreams  on my children no matter how good I think my dreams are, I have to try my best to make them see how everything they do or say  will bring some consequences. We are therefore responsible and must account  for what we do and say.

 Rule No 2 . I can only guide and share my views and thoughts but I must not expect that my children will agree with me totally.

Rule No 3 :  I must appreciate my children for who they are. I hope that they will grow up to be sensible, kind and compassionate human beings who dare to be different if they want to and try the unbeaten path if there is one and if they so wish to.

Rule No. 4 :  I love my children no matter what they do but  I  must not overlook their flaws.  I love them all the same. It is not a rule it just is that way.

Rule No.5    :  I must always pay attention and listen to what they say * and I think  they have great insight of the world and can often offer fresh ideas and new approach to a situation.

* (So often I am guilty of that.)

Queen of Hearts chocolate card placed in
 a sealed envelope
from the Fat Duck

Rule No 6     :  I  want my children to know that if ever I  unwittingly put them in an awkward position,  it is unintentional as it is never my intention to embarrass them.

Rule No. 7  :  I cannot expect my children not to subject themselves to peer pressure. I hope that they will rise above peer pressure.

Rule No. 8  :  While I will not make disparaging remarks, I must not unnecessarily raise their platforms or expectations as they must have realistic assessment of themselves. Refer to Rule No4.

In school and at tertiary, we have teachers marking our work. So who is the referee in real life? I will know that  I am doing okay if and when my children continue to believe in their own abilities. My office young partner’s late dad had always told her “Confidence is half the battle won”. So true.

I recently read the novel by John O’Farell “May Contain Nuts”, a hilarious and thought provoking story about a compulsive and  protective  mother who frets about errant drivers on the road and took extreme measures in this league table maniac world to prevent her child from failing the  entrance exam for  getting into the elite school . Alice, the protagonist wanted to do everything for her children: “clear every obstacle in their path, fight every battle and take every blow”.  In the voice of the protagonist , O’farrell wrote“ The period in which your children are totally dependent upon you is such a short phase of your life. You think it’s for ever, then suddenly it’s over; before you’ve even looked up from checking their coats were buttoned up properly , it’s over. One day you are in your kitchen when the doorbell rings and it is your own child arriving home from school, staggering over the threshold with a four-ton ruck-sack of books on her back and her mind weighed down by a million thoughts that you will never know. And you glance up at those framed photos on the stairs of when they were so little, wearing clothes you chose, sitting in swings you had to lift them into, laughing uncontrollably as you pushed them back and forth. And it’s gone. That’s it, she’s grown up- that expression of total trust in her face, it’s gone for ever; just a memory.”

 

As I browse through pre-school photos of my daughters taken when they were growing up, I miss those years and wish that if only they could stay like that for just a little bit longer. I can still recall the time when my child was three years old and we were late for her nursery class. After I had dropped her at the school compound and let her walk to her class on her own, I could not bring myself to drive away as I had this fear that kept me thinking what if someone was lurking in the school compound and she was abducted during her brief walk to the class. You cannot fault me for worrying as in my biased opinion, they were the cutest and adorable kids around. I then stepped out of the car and take a quick walk to the classroom and was relieved that she was already at her desk. I once stood by a joint parental rule that my husband and I  set for our daughter. If she did not make the mark, she would not get to go for the class trip to another state. I was prepared to forfeit the fees already paid so that I could free myself from the anguish that she was going to travel on the school bus. Till this date, she felt that the punishment we had meted out then was a little severe for her score in a language test that proved to be unimportant. I had heard too many horror stories about reckless bus drivers that I would dissuade her from joining the rest of her classmates on those school excursions. When she was twelve and I reluctantly let her go on the junior school trip on a chartered bus ; when I saw the bus  leave, my heart felt this quiver and I was in tears. I had to refrain myself from trailing behind the bus all the way to their destination. I had to put my guard down when my younger child was ten and she took part in some junior squash heats away from home. I had to stop myself from worrying sick about her crossing the big wide road in Kuala Lumpur. Thanks but no thanks to mobile phone because when I could not contact my children on their mobile phones, I became frantic only to be told later that their phone batteries had gone flat. Now that my girls are grown up, I have to  tell myself to stop worrying otherwise I can get carried away by worrying about things like them going to bed too late, losing track of time lines, procrastinating etc etc etc every single thing I am not a good example for . 

They grow up fast but as a parent, you never stop worrying and  if you let your big fat worries take over, parenthood will never be any fun. As  a mother, we forget that we are not running our child’s race but our child is yet we  want to protect our children from harm and also failures at all costs and we cannot imagine that they can manage without us. John O’ Farell wrote, “ You have to let them fall and fail and then try again. Nobody ever learnt anything except by doing it (said a book I’d read to make me a better parent)”.   I sometimes wonder how my mother had done it.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in the world!