This is your life

Wooden Escalator (St Anna tunnel)
Antwerp

Two months ago, I walked through my daughter’s campus and had a vague recollection of how it was like to be wrapping up the end of the chapter at the university. Amongst the possessions she had accumulated in three years, some she wanted to discard while the others were to be stored away or given away. I could feel a tinge of sadness about how you had grown accustomed to a certain carefree life and it was time to leave it behind. Perhaps I still feel nostalgia for my years at the university before life took over. As the mover was coming, there was no time for sentimentality, after all moving on from one stage to another is part of life and every stage has its moments.

  

Time seems to accelerate as we age and time slips by whether life is busy, exciting or mundane. Some people prefer a quiet and simple life while others enjoy an engaging life. Not everyone has a clear vision of what they want but the majority of us worry about employability. Most of us end up working for somebody else’s vision as we lack our own. Life is not like watching a movie or writing a screenplay as we cannot fix scenes or alter the script we land ourselves in. Most of our lives are not novel worthy as we act with prudence in our endeavours and lead a life our parents will approve of. We thread through safe paths for survival and self preservation. 

Monte Carlo

So long as you are reasonably comfortable with where you are, you do not think about what you really want to do with your life. Maybe you are simply contented to carry on doing whatever you are used  to doing or told to do because you have no aspirations of your own or you feel that you cannot afford to be you because you prize material security above what might otherwise interest you. While we are grounded and pragmatic, we can move along and aspire to be happy.

I feel that if you do something you love doing, there is a higher chance of happiness. If we do work that we enjoy doing, we will give our best and there is a greater chance of being good at it. Very few are destined for greatness. If you work in a creative field, we tend to think that it is hard to be the next big thing because only a handful of us are born with exceptional talent and with some luck, they become a global success. But then money, prestige and ego ought not be the objectives as fame and material success cannot be guaranteed. Whatever one does , one hopes to be in a good place.

The Interestings written by Meg Wolitzer is about six teenagers who had met  at a summer camp for the arts and all of them had some artistic interests and abilities but the kind of creativity that is rewarded at age fifteen may not be enough to propel someone through life. Five of them ended up keeping in touch for decades and they stayed good friends.

The writer wrote, “ You had only one chance for a signature in life, but most people left no impression.”

In The Interestings  Jules Jacobson, one of the participants who was an aspiring comic actress at age fifteen said this,

“ My guidance counselor came in the other day with pamphlets about careers ,” said Jules. ‘Now we have to think about becoming experts. We have to have a field.” She thought for a second. “ Do you think most people ,” she asked,” who do have a field, sort of stumbled into it ? or were they being shrewd when they decided to learn everything about butterflies or the Japanese parliament, because they knew it would make them stand out?”

Jonah whose mother was a famous folk singer said, “Most people aren’t shrewd,” Jonah said.” They don’t think that way at all.”

One of the characters, Ash managed to pursue her dream of directing in her adult years. There was one time  she had to respond to a mother in the audience who asked,

“My daughter wants to be a director too. She is applying to graduate school in directing, but I know very well that there are no jobs, and that she’s probably only going to have her dreams dashed. Shouldn’t I encourage her to do something else, to find some other field she can get into before too much time goes by?”

Ash told the mother that the child had to really, really want it and if she did really want it and if she seemed to have a talent for it, then “I think you should tell her, ‘That’s wonderful.’ Because the truth is, the world will probably whittle your daughter down. But a mother never should.”

In  Five Star Billionaire by Tash Aw, five protagonists went to Shanghai to seek the illusive dreams of  fame and fortune and they had hoped to make it in Shanghai that symbolizes the new world of money and promise of possibility. Phoebe is a factory girl who has come to Shanghai with the promise of a job  which does not exist. Gary is a country boy who turned pop star and headed for free fall when he could not cope with the celebrity status. Justin is in Shanghai to expand his family’s real estate empire only to find that he is not up to the task. Yinghui, once a left wing activist when she was young and has since reinvented herself as a successful businesswoman. Yinghui has been sought out by the shadowy Walter Chao, the author of the  self help book entitled “The Secrets of a five star billionaire”, who with his secrets and schemes has a hand in the lives of each of the characters.  The novel  is about how the characters strived for the illusive dreams of material success and fame.

This is Your Life written by John O’farrell is a satire about how people can be led on and caught up with the entire celebrity crazy phenomenon. In the story, Jimmy Conway who has never performed as a comedian has to bluff his way when he becomes a bogus celebrity by convincing a naïve journalist to do a write up about his life. Jimmy always wanted to be famous and his teenage self had even written some letters to himself to advise his adult self about how to handle fame and fortune that would come his way. When he comes across these letters in his mid-thirties, he is a bit of a disappointment to himself. The story is hilarious and comical.  

Wolitzer, Aw and O’farrell have captured the essence of modern world with a keen observation about fame and material success. One is probably not certain of one’s talents and abilities but we all hope to be in a good place and even if we do not seek gratification, we do not want to be beaten. Whatever we undertake to do, we should give it our best shot while we are at it.  Enthusiasm and determination must triumph over   apathy just as hard work will prevail over idleness. To have the luxury to pursue what we really want, we must be willing to get out of our comfort zone and not giving in to our materialistic values. You can be whatever you want to be like what the  French proverb says  : Impossible n’est pas Francaise  which literally means Impossible is not French but it actually means there is no such thing as can’t. The question is “ Are you willing to brave the odds and stick it out  even when the going gets tough?”

Nice

Nostalgia nostalgia

Penang 

I can remember the anticipation and  joy at the  sight of the greasy brown paper bag or the newsprint that held the  supper which my late dad had brought home around 10 p.m. I recall that  the food tasted authentic and  delicious then. Could it be just the flavour of the rice noodles fried with lard and soya sauce or that it was wrapped in banana leaves that added the aromatic flavour to the dish or the reminder of simple joy ? The slightly charred broad rice noodles fried with prawns and vegetables topped with gravy sauce and the char seow pao ( meat buns)  that had its grease soaking through the brown paper bag were such delightful treats which were sometimes brought home by my dad when he came home late in the evenings. My taste buds and food preferences have evolved but the memory remains.

The Mansion restaurant, Penang

A certain mood, a certain scene, smell or flavour , a certain weather and a  certain style can trigger off certain memories of the past and remind you of a different  lifetime and bring about the nostalgic feelings.

There are always ties that bind us, some are more transient than others. While there are ties that we will never want to unravel from and only hope to strengthen them while there are others that wither through passage of time. There are some ties that have good days and bad days as they take efforts and they will remain a constant tug of war.

School friends lose touch with one another as life gets busy and only to catch up again after two or three decades. It is interesting to see how everyone has gone on with their individual lives and some of the things that happened to friends can be awesome. But during such get together, we can never recreate the idealism, the innocence and naivety we all might have had possessed at one time of our youth, yet there is a certain synergy when school friends get together, we hope to reinforce the link and share the memories we each had about the time we were in the same classroom attending the same lessons for several years. We all share the sense of nostalgia and we do not want to let go of the past that forms the present.  But how often we find  ourselves remembering things differently from everyone else. It is not that our memories are distorted but because we each had formed our own memories or perceptions about things that had happened. Even if some people might have heightened ability to remember events that had taken place months or years earlier, over time, our memories about things do change because of changes that take place in our perceptions of things or when we deconstruct the past events, we have become selective and we remember certain incidents, people and events and forgetting the others. At times, our understanding of what actually had happened might have even been totally inaccurate in the first place, we end up remembering the versions that are far from truth.

The Jigsaw Maker written by Adrienne Dines is a story about a middle aged woman who runs a gift shop in a small village called Rathshannan. One day, a  photographer approached her in her gift shop to sell his innovative idea of making wooden jigsaw puzzles which contained images  taken by him of some of the places in town; he proposed that they could collaborate in making these jigsaw puzzles in that he would provide the images and she would provide some memories of the events from the past so as to give a background history to these places. One of the photographs was taken of the national school building  and the mystery man invited her to write about the events  from a certain year,1969 , hence invoking her journey to the past. As she recalled things that happened then, she realized that too many pieces were missing and as truth was unraveled , she realized that for close to four decades she had carried with her an unspoken guilt for a tragedy that had not happened the way she had imagined it.  An  interesting story.

When we look at our photographs, we remember things some happy some not so happy but whether they are good times or bad times , we have come through those moments and become who we are.

A Mother’s Manifesto

A cafe in Villefranche sur Mer, France 

 I am fully aware that I am not meant to live vicariously through my children and  I have set out some parenting rules as reminders.

Rule No 1 : While I cannot force my dreams  on my children no matter how good I think my dreams are, I have to try my best to make them see how everything they do or say  will bring some consequences. We are therefore responsible and must account  for what we do and say.

 Rule No 2 . I can only guide and share my views and thoughts but I must not expect that my children will agree with me totally.

Rule No 3 :  I must appreciate my children for who they are. I hope that they will grow up to be sensible, kind and compassionate human beings who dare to be different if they want to and try the unbeaten path if there is one and if they so wish to.

Rule No. 4 :  I love my children no matter what they do but  I  must not overlook their flaws.  I love them all the same. It is not a rule it just is that way.

Rule No.5    :  I must always pay attention and listen to what they say * and I think  they have great insight of the world and can often offer fresh ideas and new approach to a situation.

* (So often I am guilty of that.)

Queen of Hearts chocolate card placed in
 a sealed envelope
from the Fat Duck

Rule No 6     :  I  want my children to know that if ever I  unwittingly put them in an awkward position,  it is unintentional as it is never my intention to embarrass them.

Rule No. 7  :  I cannot expect my children not to subject themselves to peer pressure. I hope that they will rise above peer pressure.

Rule No. 8  :  While I will not make disparaging remarks, I must not unnecessarily raise their platforms or expectations as they must have realistic assessment of themselves. Refer to Rule No4.

In school and at tertiary, we have teachers marking our work. So who is the referee in real life? I will know that  I am doing okay if and when my children continue to believe in their own abilities. My office young partner’s late dad had always told her “Confidence is half the battle won”. So true.

I recently read the novel by John O’Farell “May Contain Nuts”, a hilarious and thought provoking story about a compulsive and  protective  mother who frets about errant drivers on the road and took extreme measures in this league table maniac world to prevent her child from failing the  entrance exam for  getting into the elite school . Alice, the protagonist wanted to do everything for her children: “clear every obstacle in their path, fight every battle and take every blow”.  In the voice of the protagonist , O’farrell wrote“ The period in which your children are totally dependent upon you is such a short phase of your life. You think it’s for ever, then suddenly it’s over; before you’ve even looked up from checking their coats were buttoned up properly , it’s over. One day you are in your kitchen when the doorbell rings and it is your own child arriving home from school, staggering over the threshold with a four-ton ruck-sack of books on her back and her mind weighed down by a million thoughts that you will never know. And you glance up at those framed photos on the stairs of when they were so little, wearing clothes you chose, sitting in swings you had to lift them into, laughing uncontrollably as you pushed them back and forth. And it’s gone. That’s it, she’s grown up- that expression of total trust in her face, it’s gone for ever; just a memory.”

 

As I browse through pre-school photos of my daughters taken when they were growing up, I miss those years and wish that if only they could stay like that for just a little bit longer. I can still recall the time when my child was three years old and we were late for her nursery class. After I had dropped her at the school compound and let her walk to her class on her own, I could not bring myself to drive away as I had this fear that kept me thinking what if someone was lurking in the school compound and she was abducted during her brief walk to the class. You cannot fault me for worrying as in my biased opinion, they were the cutest and adorable kids around. I then stepped out of the car and take a quick walk to the classroom and was relieved that she was already at her desk. I once stood by a joint parental rule that my husband and I  set for our daughter. If she did not make the mark, she would not get to go for the class trip to another state. I was prepared to forfeit the fees already paid so that I could free myself from the anguish that she was going to travel on the school bus. Till this date, she felt that the punishment we had meted out then was a little severe for her score in a language test that proved to be unimportant. I had heard too many horror stories about reckless bus drivers that I would dissuade her from joining the rest of her classmates on those school excursions. When she was twelve and I reluctantly let her go on the junior school trip on a chartered bus ; when I saw the bus  leave, my heart felt this quiver and I was in tears. I had to refrain myself from trailing behind the bus all the way to their destination. I had to put my guard down when my younger child was ten and she took part in some junior squash heats away from home. I had to stop myself from worrying sick about her crossing the big wide road in Kuala Lumpur. Thanks but no thanks to mobile phone because when I could not contact my children on their mobile phones, I became frantic only to be told later that their phone batteries had gone flat. Now that my girls are grown up, I have to  tell myself to stop worrying otherwise I can get carried away by worrying about things like them going to bed too late, losing track of time lines, procrastinating etc etc etc every single thing I am not a good example for . 

They grow up fast but as a parent, you never stop worrying and  if you let your big fat worries take over, parenthood will never be any fun. As  a mother, we forget that we are not running our child’s race but our child is yet we  want to protect our children from harm and also failures at all costs and we cannot imagine that they can manage without us. John O’ Farell wrote, “ You have to let them fall and fail and then try again. Nobody ever learnt anything except by doing it (said a book I’d read to make me a better parent)”.   I sometimes wonder how my mother had done it.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in the world!

Serving Empathy

I enjoy solitude as much as having a one to one conversation if there is stuff to talk about.  But because I can be indecisive and prone to changing my mind, I  like to venture out on my own whether to grab a coffee or a bite or just to walk around a place. I decide where I eat according to where is convenient and whether I could get a park. The food is secondary, the company is important. It is easy to eat  alone, I can change my mind without having to account to anyone . It can be productive to eat alone as you need the time to read and think about things generally. It is not that I do not like people. I find people fascinating. Only opinionated know-it-all bore me, people who have quirky sense of humour and are open to exchanging their stories and thoughts interest me.

I like to think that I am open minded and versatile in accepting what comes may but in truth I find that everyday can be a challenge as it is never easy to just accept what you see and what you hear without forming an opinion, a conclusion or a thought. So I try to stock up my level of empathy. Perhaps the first thing one should be taught in school is to have empathy. In fact the reality is not every man for himself as it should be every man for his own salvation. In the world of politics , it may be every man for himself but we must all know that nothing lasts for ever. Every individual has to seek his or her own salvation because as humans, we are consumed with desires for one thing or another and desires are our drawbacks.

Often I feel that I get to where I am by default. It is easy to know what one does not like or want to do  but it is hard to know what one really wants to pursue or do, so one might end up where he or she is  by way of elimination process . By trial and error, some of us are fortunate to arrive at decisions they do not live to regret. We are told that we have to will things to happen if we want them badly. We call that positive thinking. Sometimes things may not happen when we want them too badly to happen. I feel that could be because you think you really want something badly but you do not really believe that you will get that something you want badly, then that something  you want badly will not happen . So eventually it is still about positive thinking. Positive thinking arises from self possession. It is a matter of having self confidence and faith in what you do. But then there is also the other theory that everything is about destiny, so if it is already in the book of the universe, you cannot change it. If that is so, we should not fret or be too disappointed if we do not get the results we want.

Often we procrastinate when we have to do something we do not like. One day I had this insight and I said to a couple of colleagues, “ In life one must learn to get good at doing something you don’t like doing.” There was no response. I could hear a pin drop. Perhaps that kind of sound depressing and I gave myself away by uttering the comment. It probably crossed these lawyers’ minds that “ She does not like what she is doing.” I definitely have this desire of only doing things that I like and I know that will be unrealistic.  As we are so often told that we have to love what we are doing , we should stop doing what we don’t like doing and only do what we  feel passionate about.  However whatever it is that you love doing, you might end up not liking it after a while so  you cannot just follow your desire unless you are ready to face the consequences whatever they may be.

We cannot sit on the fence. When I try to think about both sides of an argument, things can get a little muddled up. In the novel “ The Submission” by Amy Waldman, a jury gathers in Manhattan to select a design for the memorial to be constructed for the victims of a devastating  terror attack and after deliberating, the jurors opens the envelope only to discover that the winner they have picked is an American Muslim. Instantly the jurors are cast into a controversial debate about the claims of grief surrounding 9/11, the submission, its art  and the meaning of Islam. One of the jurors, Claire whose husband died in the tragedy was told by one of the victim’s brother. “ You don’t know what you want,” he said, haltingly in front of her, peeved by the difference in their height. “ You know what you’re supposed to want, but not what you really want. Step aside, Claire. Let people who know their own minds fight this out.”

“No people like me, who can see both sides, are needed. It’s called empathy.” Her tone had turned patronizing, superior.

“ Cowardice is what it’s called! You can see all the sides you want, but you can only be on one. One! You have to choose, Claire. Choose!” He was yelling now.That familiar, dreaded tightening ,the build of frustration  ,had begun……

In life we have to make many choices and we are all afraid to make the wrong choice. Perhaps we are afraid not for ourselves but also for our successors and the many next generations to come but we must know that we can only decide based on what we know at present. Everything in life is subject to change, it may be change for the better for some and worse for some, or it may not be better nor worse just different. We have to try to understand that one cannot be guided by passions or emotions alone. There are always the reasons for it and the other reasons against it. If only the people could try to be more objective and think rationally and not be overcome by emotion. Still we must not sit on the fence.

Nice, France (Oct 2012)

Through the Looking Glass

Brighton, England

I do not wish to be an overbearing parent because I believe that I should  let my children have the liberty to make decisions on their own. I want to encourage them to have trust in their own judgments and abilities and  I hope that they do not succumb to peer pressures and depend on the online response from their friends on Facebook. They must know that one’s self worth is not dependent on the number of followers or friends he or she has whether in cyberspace or the physical world. I want to impress upon them : “ The World is Your Oyster” and when in doubt, listen to your inner voice.

While self-esteem may not be exponential of self  confidence, perhaps the least each parent must do is to do all they can to ensure that their children’s self esteem and self belief are intact. I try to be mindful about what I say to my children and at the same time I must not be trying too hard to make them feel better when things do not go well. One tough aspect of growing up is to be always self assured to make up your own mind. Maturity is about coping with the harsh realities that we do not often make the best decisions or get what we want and through trial and error, we have to become adaptable and flexible. Ideally we should all be doing what we like to do and not doing what we are told or what we think we should do. However free will comes with possessing strong sense of individualism and non-conforming takes strong conviction and insurmountable boldness and courage to see it through.

A parent sometimes misses the years when the child was still a baby. When the child was a baby, his or her parents would moon over him or her and coo-coo to every single sound and smile the child exuded. Sometimes, parenthood gives less, not more, pleasure through the years as the child begins to have a mind of his or her own and become an independent person in his or her own right. My late father once expressed his disappointment in me as he lamented, “ You have changed.”

I never asked what he had meant. Can an individual change over the years? I was probably not the person he thought he had come to know or what he wanted me to become. Apart from the inevitable changes that occur in our physical appearance due to aging, our outlook and attitude change due to what we have experienced and we may even reinvent ourselves from time to time to cope with changing circumstances and surroundings. However I do not think we can alter our make up.  Over the years, wherever we are , however the others perceive of us , I believe our cores or our essential self remain the same. Every person has qualities that may seem irreconcilable in the eyes of those around you but we must realize that the outsiders cannot be privy to your real emotions and thoughts yet we care how others perceive of us. Perhaps who we are really comes down to those around us.

In his book ‘The Self Illusion’, Professor Bruce Hood wrote that whether we like it or not, we are all members of  groups of people and because no man or woman is an island, we all belong to the one very big club: the human species. Throughout our lifetime we either hang around with or fall into different groups by default or otherwise. We are all associated with the groups we have been assigned to by birth and through assimilation. Some people do not want to belong to the respective groups they have been assigned to based on their religious or cultural backgrounds because they have difficulties discarding all the prejudices and biases that are attached to those particular groups. Few of us can live as hermits, hence most of us do things that are acceptable to the society they have been assigned to by birth or the culture they have been brought up in. Sometimes we no longer recognize who we are as we are much caught up in the value system of the groups or the community we live in. What we think matter to us are actually what we are told that matter.

 We think we have made our personal choices but  choices are never our own because we are constantly surrounded by conscious and unconscious processes. For example,  it should not be our possessions that define us but the advertisement industry tells us we are what we own and therefore seemingly define who we are. Luxury brands sell simply because they project prestige and material success and we live in the world where wealth matters and hence our vanity is constantly exploited by the advertisers.

Professor Hood wrote : ‘Our self exists in the reflection that the world holds up to us. The American sociologist Charles Horton Cooley coined the term “the looking glass self” to express the way that the self is shaped by the reflected opinions of others around us.” Apparently everyone holds a looking glass up to us every time we interact with each of them, that probably explains why I find that some people make me feel elated while some people make me feel extremely uncomfortable or drained when I am around them. Cooley summed up the notion of self illusion in this tongue- twister of logic, “ I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think I am.”’

It is our human nature to pigeonhole others and in turn be labeled ourselves, if only we could stop appraising the others and at the same time care less about how we could fit other people’s perceptions, we would perhaps be comfortable in our own skin and watch our inner thoughts good or bad,  for each of us is unique in our own imperfect and flawed ways and each of us is entitled to his or her own views to live by. Nothing is what it seems.

C'est La Vie

 

Margaret Thatcher died this week at the age of 87. She was a controversial British leader who pursued her political ambition and held strong convictions about what she had wanted and could achieve for her country. She left behind a legacy called “Thatcherism” and by reason of  her  formidable stand and the policies which were implemented during her reign, her death was mourned by some and feted by others. The baroness would go down in history as an icon. One of her famous quotes  is“ In politics, if you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.”  And during the start of the Falklands War in April 1982, she was quoted as saying, “ Defeat? I do not recognize the meaning of the word.”. The one I love best is “ I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.” The iron lady’s sharp wit and strong determination are qualities that we women can certainly emulate but perhaps not her virility and her coiffure.Like what US President Obama said, “She stands as an example to our daughters that there is no glass ceiling that can’t be shattered.”

From the little that I know, the only female British Prime Minister was patriotic and she had the interests of the people at heart. Although I do not know much about politics but I know that when politicians are vying to win at a poll, apart from fulfilling their own ambitions, they must have visions and know what  is  best for the country. Politicians must know if and when they are elected, what  they want to do for the people and the impacts of their rule may change lives and  the order of things for generations to come.

Whenever someone passes on, mortality hits you right in your face whether it is the death of a renowned political figure or a celebrity or someone you know. Every mortal being who has lived till old age will leave behind some kind of legacy even if you are  just an ordinary man on the street. We all know about the mortal sufferings of every human and we know we must face life and brutality of death as it confronts you and makes you ponder. 

In “Everyman”, Philip Roth wrote how the protagonist whispered back to an elderly woman’s husband at the funeral. The short plump elderly woman wept uncontrollably and her husband 'turned unbidden and impatiently asked, “You know why she’s carrying on like that?” “ I believe I do,” the protagonist whispered back, meaning by this, It ‘s because it is for her as it’s been for me ever since I was a boy. It ‘s because it is for her as it is for everyone. It’s because life’s most disturbing intensity is death. It’s because death is so unjust. It is because one has tasted life, death does not seem natural. I had thought-secretly I was certain-that life goes on and on.”  But the woman’s husband said flatly, as though having read his mind. “ She’s like that all the time. That has been the story for fifty years,” he added with an unforgiving scowl. “ She’s like that because she isn’t eighteen anymore.”'

Whether you are the dutiful son or daughter, whether you are successful or unsuccessful parent, we all have our fears, regrets, stoicism, panic and loneliness. And yet we want life to be continuing and as Philip Roth wrote “And to have it all all over again."

The former British Prime Minister suffered poor health in the past decade. So as  what Philip Roth wrote in his novel  “ Everyman” : “Old age isn’t a battle; old age is a massacre.” May  Baroness  Thatcher rest in peace.

Optimist @ Pragmatist

Several months ago, I paid a visit to my late mother’s sister who was in her 80s. I was concerned that she would not recognize me after being told that she had dementia. To my relief, when she saw me, she immediately called out my pet name and talk in her  usual manner. I understand that Alzheimer patients remember about things in the past but not recent events. Seemingly everyone I know has come into contact with or know someone who suffers from Alzheimer so much so that I have become particularly conscious of my own absent mindedness when I misplace or cannot recall things. I have to prevent myself from becoming a paranoia as I feel worrying affects one’s mental fitness and instead of making progress one may regress unknowingly. Growing old is not easy and definitely not  a curious case of Benjamin Button.

Woody Allen has been famously quoted to say, “In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”  That is wishful thinking indeed. 

I had a fabulous time counting down 2012 and welcoming 2013. The month of January was highlighted by catching some of the great display of tennis matches at the Australian Open on television. The said month was also marked by the departure of a family member who lived till the ripe old age of 92 and followed by funeral rites and rituals. I was glad to go on a vacation during the Lunar New Year season. When Chinese New Year came and gone in February, I tried not to feel panicky because I still had not done much writing although I could say I had my office work to attend to and a routine to get back to. While January had not been uneventful, February  had been fun and leisure most of the time, as the last hour of February slipped by, I felt I was not exactly having a phenomenal start for 2013 because I had not got on track with  my work and made progress  in what I really liked  to do in the new year. My wish list remains a wish list.

Then came March when I found the hot and muggy weather almost unbearable, I was  still far from settling into a writing routine. The odd thing about air-conditioning is that it does not work well when you need it most . When you are all bothered with the heat, you are just bothered with the heat until you consciously snap yourself out of it and ask, “ Is it really the heat that is bothering you or you are just making excuses because you know you cannot focus?  After all if  the weather gets too cold , your brains freeze and the brains cannot work  either.”

The April month will not go uneventful. Following the dissolution of the  parliament last week, the town will soon be plastered with ugly election posters, politicians will be blaring out promises in their speeches so loudly and fervently that you sincerely hope they will keep . Surely they must know that actions speak louder than words.

A couple of weeks ago, a close friend and her partner returned to Penang for a visit. They decided to quit what they were doing abroad as they were not happy doing what they were doing.  They had not quite figured out what they would like to do next. Then on a short notice, his plans had to be put on hold as his mother had been admitted to the hospital and he had to fly home. I tend to believe that often when things happen, they  somehow lead us to the next thing that probably will have some connection with where you are meant to be. However   our optimism cannot be at its optimum when we are clueless as to what will happen next.

The point is, as our resolve begins to crumble and patience is weighing thin, when we no longer believe that life is infinite possibilities, we should perhaps just live in the moment and take one step at a time. In the novel “Dance Dance Dance” written about a protagonist who was trapped in the advanced capitalist mayhem, Haruki Murakami wrote : “Dance, the Sheep Man said. Dance in tip-top form. Dance so it keeps spinning.” Haruki wrote : “ My awareness of things around me had sharpened. I was moving forward intently, one step at a time. I had a focus, a goal. Which somehow, quite naturally, lightened my step, almost gave me soft-shoe footwork. This was a good sign. Dance. Keep in step, light but steady. Freshen up, maintain where this was leading me to next. Had to make sure I stayed in this world.”

A pragmatic mind can be peppered with some optimism so that the reality is far from bleak. Since I cannot fast forward and see what is in store , while nobody is going to slip a million ringgit into my account and I will not have an uncle who has left me a vineyard in France , I might like to hold on to my dreams for they are necessary indulgence.